How Will You Be Remembered?

Proverbs 22:1

In the last few weeks, we have experienced the loss of several residents here at Westminster-Thurber. Loss is not uncommon because of the nature of our facilities, but it still often takes us by surprise. After attending memorial services, I began thinking about what I would like someone to say about me in a eulogy, which prompted this sermon.

What we hear at a funeral or memorial service should give us something to consider as we listen.

****

Ben just came to town as a new rabbi. Unfortunately, his first official duty was to conduct a funeral service for Albert, a man who died in his eighties, with few relatives. Since Ben didn’t know the deceased personally, he paused from his sermon to ask if anyone in the congregation would say something good about Albert. There was no response. Ben asked again: “Many of you have known Albert for years; surely someone can say something nice.” After an uncomfortable pause, a voice from the back of the room said, “Well, his brother was worse.”

That is not what we would like to hear said about us!

If you died tomorrow, what would people say about you?

Would you be proud of how you lived and the choices you made?

If someone looks back on your life years from now, what will they remember about you?

None of us will probably have our names in future history books; what will likely happen is that we will be remembered by those whose lives we’ve touched.

There’s an old saying,

“If you want to know how to live your life, think about what you’d like people to say about you after you die … and live backward.”

The idea is that we earn our eulogy by our everyday actions.

What would you do if told you had ten years to live? Would it change your life? Of course, it would. But what would you do with those ten years? Would you:

• Go wild, lose control, and do anything you want without conscience?
• Sulk and have a big pity party?
• Sit around feeling sorry for yourself in depression?
• Drink and eat more than is reasonable?

We are a product of what we have already been and done in our lifetime. If we did little with our life, we would probably do more of the same – only intensified. We would likely continue the same habits; if we lived a life of substance; we would work at being the best we could be.

We would smell the roses, waste less time on things that have no meaning, value our friendships more, and work harder at things that count and have meaning in our lives.

Our love for those vital to our lives would grow even more. We would start seeing more positivity and less negativity in this world.

We would care more about those in need and help those we can. We would not want to waste a single day and appreciate each day for what it is – a miracle. Would we stop learning and growing as a person? I don’t think so. We will continue to do the same as we are now, but only with the awareness that time is short.

One area that does seem to change for people in this situation is their spiritual life. Most of us don’t want to give much thought to the dreaded ‘life after death.’ If told the end is near, we will naturally think about it. Gaining a sense of oneness with our Creator certainly is a comfort. Maybe it’s the most important thing anyone can do in this situation [or any situation]. There is no lasting peace and comfort with money, achievements, titles, hobbies, or endless TV.

In his book, When Everything You Ever Wanted Isn’t Enough, Harold Kushner writes:

“Our souls are not hungry for fame, comfort, wealth, or power. Our souls are hungry for meaning, for we have figured out how to live so that our lives matter so the world will be at least a little different for our having passed through it.”

So what would you do?

• Live to be remembered for the important things.
• Live to be remembered for giving up your rights and your possessions for the benefit of others.
• Live for acts of kindness that lighten the load of hurting and weary people.

‘At the end of the day, people won’t remember what you said or did, but they will remember how you made them feel.’

There’s a lot of truth in the paraphrased quote from Maya Angelou. You can probably remember your childhood, neighbors, classmates, or teachers who made you feel good, and others who did not feel great.

But the focus today is not on others; it’s on you. How are you making other people feel as you navigate your daily life? Do you cause those you encounter to feel better about themselves and the world around them? Or are you giving off a vibe that is, at best, neutral or even a little negative?

People want to be remembered for different reasons:

1. Some people wish to leave a lasting legacy.
2. Others may want to know how they make others feel and how those around them treat them.
3. Others want to be remembered for being selfless, caring, compassionate, kind, loving, patient, and understanding.

Ultimately, people remember others depending on their actions, character, and impact on others.

How do you want to be remembered?

We hear in Proverbs 22:1:

“A good name is to be chosen rather than great riches, and favor is better than silver or gold.”

We all agree it would be nice if those we encountered felt better about crossing our path. If we could

“…reach the hearts of others and give them something that will broaden and enrich their lives. The desire that every person be open and alive to higher inspirations and filled with beauty and truth so splendid that it elevates their soul.”[1]

Well, that sounds like a lot, you might think. I want others to feel better and elevate the people I encounter. But elevate their souls? How does that work?

There is a simple guide to follow, one you can start using right now. It consists of three keywords, all with an action we can take daily with each person we encounter. They are:

• Recognize
• Encourage
• Praise
  
  
• Recognize those you know and don’t with eye contact, a warm smile, and, when appropriate, a “hello” or friendly greeting. Chat with anyone with the time to engage with you and, most importantly, listen to them. From that point, you can take the next step and add encouragement or praise to the mix.
  
  
• Encourage those who need a kind word, who appear to be having a rough day, and anyone needing uplifting. Do something as simple as a “keep up the good work” to a gardener, a heartfelt word for an overworked waitress, or silently wishing all you encounter happiness.
  
  
• Praise those doing something/anything of value, even complimenting the barista at the coffee shop or commenting positively on a coworker’s fashion choice.[2]

Each of us walks through life engaged in our ‘ministry.’ Our ministry encompasses “how we live our lives” and “how we handle situations, our values and ideals, goals, and the way we strive to attain them.” Most importantly, our ministry revolves around “how we treat others.”

I encourage you today to lend a smile or a kind word to someone; you may be pleasantly surprised by the response. You don’t need a reason to be kind. Allow God’s love to shine through you and be a path of righteousness for others.

Let us pray:

Dear Lord, You are the ultimate example of goodness, and we want to be more like you. Give us the courage to share kindness with a world that is so much in need of your love. Allow goodness to flow through us so we bless others because of Christ in us. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

 

 Delivered at Ohio Living Westminster Terrace and Thurber Tower, Columbus, OH; 11 February 2024

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[1]      Tom Rapas, Wake Up Call

[2]      John Templeton, Worldwide Laws of Life, 200 Eternal Spiritual Principles

In Memory of Barbara Ann Bryant Havens

Today we come to celebrate the life of Barbara Ann Bryant Havens, a beloved mother, sister, grandmother, aunt, and a dear friend to too many people to count. Although she is no longer with us, her memory will live on in our hearts for eternity. We feel your lively and beautiful spirit with us today, and we hope you sense our love for you in this room. We not only love you, but have learned much from you, been inspired by you, and been made to laugh and be joyful in your presence! We will always remember you!

In the rising of the sun and in its going down, we remember you
In the blowing of the wind and in the chill of Winter, we remember you
In the opening buds and in the rebirth of Spring, we remember you
In the blueness of the sky and in the warmth of Summer, we remember you
In the rustling of leaves and in the beauty of Autumn, we remember you
In the beginning of the year and when it ends, we remember you
When we are weary and in need of strength, we remember you
When we are lost and sick at heart, we remember you
When we have joys we yearn to share, we remember you
So long as we live, you too shall live, for you are now a part of us,
as we remember you.[1]

Each of us will carry in our hearts those special moments that will help us remember Barbara.

My wife, Karen, and I are fortunate to live on the same floor with Barbara for almost five years; I remember the day we moved in, there she came rolling down the hall to welcome us to the floor.

That was so Barbara!

Exuberantly extending her hands and heart to everyone she met. That was the beginning of a wonderful friendship, . . conversations at her place and dinners at ours; we will always remember, and miss her terribly.

We come together today from the diversity of our grieving,
to gather in the warmth of this community,
giving stubborn witness to our belief that
in times of sadness, there is room for laughter.
In times of darkness, there always will be light.
May we hold fast to the conviction
that what we do with our lives matters.

John and Parker feel the loss of a mother, Betty a daughter, Beau and Nola and Willow a beloved grandmother; we all feel their pain. To Parker and John, we ask ‘how do we let a mother go?’

How do we let a mother go?
How do we say “I’m ready now to go on without you”?
How can we ever have a clue of what that really means?
And all of a sudden, the moment is upon us, and there’s no turning back.

And then we know what grief is, . . .
and guilt
and love
and things undone.

But there is peace too. Peace and acceptance and overwhelming love that we maybe weren’t aware of, waves and waves of conflicting emotion,
And laughter too,
and memories we hadn’t bothered lately to recall come flooding back in shared company.

. . and it is all about you, Barbara!

And there’s gratitude. . .
so much of that, that we had you, such a wonderful mother…
Bright and shining, nobody’s fool, independent, but humble too;
Smart, and kind, and fun.

Adventurous..

A part of you has passed away, but much is carried everyday within us, and will as long as we are here.

This may be a final tribute,
A day to celebrate your life and say goodbyes;
But it is not final![2]

Your children, grandchildren, and friends will keep your memory, and that zest for life you taught them and us. When met with difficulties and challenges, we will all simply ask, “what did Barbara do”? and we will gain strength and courage from your example.

When kindness and generosity are lacking, we will be reminded of what Barbara did – even amidst pain and physical limitations – and we will try to be kinder, more generous, and more loving to each other.

Every day we’ll celebrate in some way, just by the virtue of how you shaped our lives,

The absolute and incredible fortune that we knew you.

As a mother, a friend and a woman.

We are told in an oft-heard scripture from Ecclesiastes:

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1-4)

We are grateful that you have broken the bounds of your beautiful but weakened body,
that you feel pain no more,
and that your boundless energy has returned.

Barbara is now standing tall,

with that red hair flowing in the breeze,

lips bright red,

nails always perfectly polished in red,

and those brilliant red shoes,

ready to take on the universe in her own personal, and vibrant way.

Denny Fultz and Tom Queen, two of Barbara’s longtime friends, will share some memories, followed by John, speaking for the family.

In closing, I would like to read a poem by Mary Elizabeth Frye, written in 1932, for a young German Jewish woman, Margaret Schwarzkopf, who was staying with her and her husband. When Margaret’s mother fell ill and died, she was distraught that it was not safe to return to Germany. The heartbroken young woman told Frye that she never had the chance to “stand by my mother’s grave and shed a tear”. Frye found herself composing a piece of verse on a brown paper shopping bag. Later she said that the words “just came to her” and expressed what she felt about life and death. This reminds us that death is not all there is:

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there.
I did not die.

Barbara, you have left us wiser, happier, and enriched – and we thank God for sending you to be our daughter, wife, mother, grandmother, and friend. And now in your honor and memory, we will go forth today in life – to do what you so fully lived – have a wonderful party and care for and love one another.

And so, although Barbara Bryant Havens no longer walks this earthly realm,

she is still with us, . . .

loving us, . . .

ever present in our hearts and minds.

To paraphrase Frank Sinatra’s famous song:

 
 
 

SHE DID IT HER WAY!!!!
 

 

 

Let us pray:

We lift up those who have lost loved ones. We see images of families in celebration; but their emotions are far from happy. There are empty places in their hearts where loved ones have been called from life. We lift them up to you that you might give them strength to get through their mourning. We ask for your grace to comfort them in their time of need. We thank you for their faithfulness and fear, hope and doubt, sorrow and joy. Amen.
 
 
[1]      Adapted from Yom Kippur Service, Michelle Markert Rubin
[2]      Unknown source
 
The Rev deniray mueller, Schoedinger Northwest, Columbus, OH; 10 February 2018